Do you ever catch yourself bending over backwards to keep the peace, saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” or making sure everyone else is happy — while you’re running on empty? If so, you’re not alone. Many women fall into the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing.On the surface, it looks like kindness or being “easygoing.” But underneath, it’s often fueled by fear, guilt, or even old wounds that trained you to believe your worth comes from keeping others comfortable.
Why People-Pleasing Runs So Deep
Psychologist and author Dr. Gabor Maté explains that when we’re young, we all need two things: authenticity (being true to ourselves) and attachment (feeling connected to others). If as children we sensed that being authentic — showing anger, sadness, or needs — threatened our attachment with caregivers, we often learned to hide our true selves and focus on keeping others happy.This survival strategy may have worked in childhood, but in adulthood it leaves many women feeling anxious, resentful, and disconnected from their own needs.Therapist Terry Real also writes about how women, in particular, are socialized to carry the emotional load in relationships: smoothing over conflict, meeting everyone else’s needs, and neglecting their own. While this may look like strength, it often comes at the cost of inner peace and genuine connection.
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
Constant exhaustion from trying to be “everything to everyone.”Anxiety or resentment that builds when your own needs are ignored.Difficulty setting boundaries without guilt.Struggles with intimacy, because true closeness requires honesty, not constant self-sacrifice.
Small Steps Toward Change
Healing from people-pleasing takes time and often requires deeper work in therapy, but you can start small today:Pause Before Saying Yes When someone asks for something, take a breath and ask yourself, “Do I actually want to do this? Do I have the energy?” Give yourself permission to say, “Let me get back to you.”Name Your Feelings Instead of asking, “What do they need?” practice asking, “What am I feeling right now?” Naming your emotions helps you reconnect with yourself.Experiment with Boundaries Start with low-stakes situations, like saying no to a small request, and notice that relationships often survive your honesty.Shift the Story Remind yourself: It’s not selfish to care for myself. It’s necessary. You can’t show up fully for others if you’re running on empty.
Therapy: Getting to the Root
While these tools can help, people-pleasing often has deep roots in past trauma, family dynamics, or cultural messages. Therapy offers a safe place to:Explore where these patterns began.Heal the wounds that made you feel responsible for everyone’s happiness.Practice new ways of relating that honour both your needs and your relationships. As Dr. Maté emphasizes, healing happens when we reclaim our authenticity.
You Don’t Have to Carry It All
If you’re tired of feeling stretched thin, resentful, or invisible, know that change is possible. You can learn to honour your needs, set healthy boundaries, and still care deeply for the people around you. The shift from people-pleaser to peace-seeker isn’t about abandoning others, it’s about including yourself in the circle of care.
Maria Crawford
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